After a particularly convicting CG meeting last night I’ve been slapped with the harsh reality that I lack contentment in my life. My requested accountability for the next month is not to think about what I “need” but rather what I need. I think the secularism of holiday season hit me a little hard and in the interest of being open and honest about my walk with Christ and where my heart’s at I have to admit my contentment level is pretty low.
Being a stay at home mom is pretty out of character for me. I quit my job as a Social Worker in a Psychatric facility for youth to stay home with K because I felt it was the right thing to do. Many needs of mine were met at that job- I contributed financially to our househould, I socialized with some pretty amazing people, felt accomlished by seeing fruits of my labor (even if it was just a completed Tx plan,) and “felt” like I was doing something for myself. During my time at work my precious mama watched K- there’s no one else I’d have left her with. The early mornings of getting K ready to go to Nonna’s and the late nights at the office filling out police reports from getting excessive hair ripped out by a 17 year old who had snapped took it’s toll on me. We were blessed to find a job elsewhere and relocate so I could stay home and raise K.
The struggle from no longer being able to express all of my Type A wonderfulness in an office with other adults was long and tiring. My days were filled with an immobile infant and being stuck in an apartment in a city I knew nothing about. Thankfully much time has passed and I’m in a routine, but, truth be told, that routine involves a lot of not being at home. I feel overwhelmed by being closed in. I need OUT. For my own sanity I need OUT. It can be a trip wandering around Target, going to the park, visiting friends, or grabbing a coffee but the thought of staying in my house during all waking hours makes me kind of want to cry.
Here’s where my struggle with contentment is at its all time high. I should really be more mindful of what my day looks like and how it’s affecting K. I think she could benefit from more time at home playing with her mama in the floor and learning numbers. Once this weekend’s party is over and her shots are given Tuesday I think my schedule will be more conducive to a less busy day for us. I need balance and am really prayerful that God reveals to me His plan for my life, not the one that I’ve dreamed up that includes spending 5 hours a day running errands. Accountability for this is something I intend to take seriously. Perhaps I don’t need to take my kiddo out for lunch or breakfast once a week- the money can be better spent on others or saved for something we need in our home. I’m attempting to compile a list of the “needs” I have and whether or not they’re really needs.
Tomorrow is K’s party and we have no decorations for the house besides balloons. There are no awesome paper lanterns or a fruit tray to coordinate with my chosen color scheme and I’m striving to be content with the fact that the party I want to throw for her just isn’t going to happen. The sweeetie is two for sobbing out loud. I highly doubt she’s going to suffer lasting childhood damage because her mom didn’t have a fruit tray.
Anywho, today is a day of awesomeness and I fully intend to not chase after that next thing that will provide fleeting happiness and enjoy the wonders that God has blessed me with that I’ve been too busy to notice.