K turns 2…and I’m not OK with it.

Tomorrow the little sleep deprived and nap refusing daughter of mine turns two. This is absurd. In the wake of this momentous occasion I’m ridden with fear of her impending two year well check. Her pediatrician used to work with Mother Teresa (I swear I’m not making this up) and is a fabulous woman who calls K “boo boo.” Score. That being said, it’s shot time (two this time around) and as such the anxiety has begun. How in the world am I supposed to knowingly hold my child down while two strangers jab metal into her little baby toddler legs? Of course I blog stalked all of America, minus a few million people, and realized that I’m crazy for immunizing my child. How could I do this? Don’t I know the measles and polio are nonexistent? Don’t I know that with sanitary living conditions and healthier diets K couldn’t ever, possibly, get Rubella? Clearly I don’t care about my child because I drink the American Kool Aid of  following the APA recommendations of vaccines. My rant may sound a smidge dramatic but the point is very much real: I am failing as a mother.

I have no idea what’s in those vials of medicine that are being shot into my kid. I haven’t taken the time to look into it. I am a lazy parent. I trust Mother Teresa’s side kick more than I value looking into the meds themselves. Again, I am a lazy parent. I’m fairly confident in her ability to read medical journals and scientific findings and make her own decisions about what’s right for her kids much more than I’m confident in my ability to do basic algebra, and I’m pretty sure having an M.D. is more prestigious than a B.S.W. If anyone needs an ecomap of their family or a DSMIV diagnosis, though, I’m your gal.

How in the world am I supposed to effectively parent K for another two, much less 16, more years if I can’t even make an informed decision for myself on what viruses, dead or live, I pump into her system? Aren’t we as women supposed to build each other up, not criticize one another for going to McDonald’s instead of cooking at home or opting for our own vaccine plan instead of the one some board of rich doctor’s decides we need because they’re money hungry?  I’m blessed to be in a group with women who encourage me to do what I feel is right for my kid, but from so many other passive aggressive angles am I being fed that I lack the ability to function as a parent, especially given my general inability to make medical decisions for her without the aid of a professional. I think it’s time we encourage each other and understand that no one’s doing it right. Kudos to you for having range free eggs, raw milk, and a budget that you never go over. Uber kudos if you can do it on one income while your three year old has the entire chapter of Psalms memorized.

I get wanting to brag about your kid’s accomplishments. Today I unabashedly bragged to my homies that my kid took a nap. Yep, K slept. Winning. I want you to discuss how you made healthy meal choices for your kids, didn’t let them watch a lick of TV today (or Baby Einstein videos while you cooked said healthy meal.) Some days I have award winning parenting days. They’re fairly frequent, but on the days that everything blows up in my face, it’s heartwarming to know I have women around me who are sometimes barely floating above water who don’t give me the evil eye for using disposable diapers.

I love my ornery, intelligent, mischievous, and playful little princess and sometimes forget that’s all that matters. I have no idea what I’m doing as a parent; most days I feel like I’m just on suicide watch making sure she doesn’t injure herself jumping on the couch or running away from me as we play tag through the house. I’m encouraged by her hugging me yelling, “my mommy!!!” and asking me to “hold hands.” The fact that I’m harder on myself than she is should be indicative of a problem. The house hasn’t burned down, she hasn’t broken a bone, and she’s off the charts for her cognitive, emotional, and physical growth and abilities but for some reason I’m being fed the lie that’s not enough.

Can we mama’s commit to saying we’re enough? That through the help of God and an encouraging group of women around us we’ll succeed in raising God-fearing, Lord- loving, women not of this world? Can we commit to correcting laziness as parents without ridicule? Can we commit to a word of encouragement just because it’s a nice thing to do? K loves Chris more than she loves me, and I’m cool with that, but at the end of the day she loves me too and I couldn’t thank the Lord enough for trusting me with her care and upbringing for the past two, and many, many more. I’ll make my New Year’s Resolution to be one of not playing the comparison game with all you awesome women who commit to eating well, working out, and weigh less now than you did pre-baby. In the interest of full disclosure I still have about 8 lbs to go. I don’t see those 8 lbs going anywhere 🙂

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